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However, the fact that your eyes all turned towards the door makes it quite obvious that you are not sure beyond the shadow of a doubt about my client's guilt".

Pleased with his closing statement, the lawyer contentedly sits back for the verdict. Didn't I prove it to you? Cop: "You were speeding!

I am going to confiscate your driver's license and I'm calling for a tow truck to take away your car". Cop: "Well, you can file an appeal.

Here write it on this paper, but it has to be in Russian". The tourist takes the piece of paper and starts pacing around the car.

Cop: "I see you already wrote half of the appeal! And you said you didn't know any Russian! As he's walking a ridge he sees a large brown bear in the thick brush below.

He takes aim, fires and the bear drops into the underbrush. The hunter climbs down the rocky face of the ridge in search of his quarry.

As he is skulking around, he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns and the bear snatches his rifle and pushes him to the ground.

Forest law says that I am now allowed to eat you. However, if you would prefer to live, I could fuck you in the arse and let you go?

The hunter thinks it over and opts for sodomy. The bear obliged and leaves with the rifle. The next day the hunter is thinking it over and decides to go back to that ridge and kill the bear for this atrocity.

So, he gets a bigger gun and sets out. After a few hours he spots the bear in the valley, aims, and fires. This time the bear lets out a roar as he falls into the brush.

The hunter runs down to confirm the kill and as he is pushing through the brush, he feels a tap on his shoulder.

What's it gonna be? So the bear fucks him, takes his gun, and runs off. The next day the hunter is thinking it over and he just can't let the bear get away with this.

So he gets a grenade and suits up in camouflage. He knows the bear will expect him to be on the ridge so he heads straight for the valley and waits.

He waits for a while when he feels a tap on his shoulder Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here! Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club.

It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin.

Then suddenly he heard a strange noise Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.

He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.

The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him.

Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him.

He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair. Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door.

The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door.

With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges. The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.

In a last-ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet. He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin A rich woman wants to commission a well-renowned artist to paint a portrait of her.

She arranges to meet with him to discuss terms. She tells him "Money is no object, but I have only one condition. I want you to paint me in the nude".

This takes him a bit by surprise, as he is a married man "Uh, I apologise ma'am, but I don't think I can agree to that-". Again, he is taken aback and considers "Well The next day, the artist returns.

He gives the lady the verdict "All right, my wife says it is fine, but you'll have to let me keep my socks on so I have somewhere to wipe my brushes".

An old man and his wife were getting on a bit, the old man's hearing had gone a while ago but now things had stopped working downstairs.

The wife said to him "Gerald" for that was his name "Gerald, I have womanly needs, you need to go to doctor, maybe we can get you some Viagra".

So later that day at the doctor's office. The wife explains the marital problem that poor Gerald is having.

The doctor continued "I am going to need to do some tests. I need a the full works; a blood sample, a urine sample, a faecal sample and a sperm sample".

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat". The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success. The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked "All right buddy what's your name?

With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied "The balcony" Previously: 24th Sep. Three little old nuns are attending a church service in Rome when, in a freak accident, a giant crucifix falls from the old plaster wall and kills them.

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates Saint Peter says "I'm SO sorry, Sisters, that was a freak accident and wasn't supposed to happen "Unfortunately, your Earthy bodies were too horribly mangled for us to just send your souls back, but we do have a protocol for cases like yours.

What we do is, we let you choose a person on Earth. You get to inhabit their body, but unfortunately, it's only for six months". Who would you like to return as?

Saint Peter types into his workstation for a few seconds and Sister Giuseppina disappears in a puff of smoke.

Who would you like to be? Again, Saint Peter types on his keyboard, and Sister Lucrezia disappears in a puff of smoke.

Saint Peter types for a few seconds, frowns, and types some more. Jimmie, an year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away.

He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench.

Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you? The silver-haired Marcie looked up to see a distinguished-looking, white-haired gentleman and replied "Why certainly" and moved over gently to give him room to sit down.

For the next two hours, the two sat and talked about everything. They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had had long, happy marriages, had lost their spouses during the previous year, and in general agreed about almost everything.

Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly "Ma'am, may I ask you two questions? The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before her.

He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes. I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?

Marcie grabbed at Jimmie's hands and said "Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy! Then Marcie said "You said you had two questions to ask me.

What is the second question? Tim goes to his doctor for his annual physical while sitting in the examining room he notices a large machine with a lot of lights and buttons looking more complicated than the space shuttle cockpit.

The doctor walks in and explains that this new machine can diagnose every possible ailment with just a urine sample.

Tim produces the sample the doctor puts it into the machine. After a few moments of flashing lights and whirring noises the machine produces a small printout.

That's ridiculous! I have never even played tennis, doc. I think your machine is broken! The doc explains that this machine is very accurate but if Tim would like to submit another sample tomorrow, that would be alright.

On his way home Tim got really angry about the whole thing, pissed off at the whole notion that a machine could replace a doctor so he decides to teach this doc and his machine a lesson.

He gets home and has his wife and daughter pee in the cup. He pees in the cup, somehow he even gets the family dog to pee in the cup!

He takes the dipstick out of his car and swirls that in the cup, and to top it off Tim rubs one out into the cup! The next day Tim feeling father smug watches as the doctor puts the sample in the machine.

He laughs to himself as all the lights and noises are going on and when the printout surfaces he braces himself for the win that is coming. Hopefully you dudes enjoyed surfing it as much as I enjoyed spening an insane amount of hours on it.

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